Single Woman Confessions - We Need to Talk!

I made a decision years ago (after one too many heartbreaks) that I would remain celibate until marriage. I figured if I abstained from sex then I would handle any relationship breakup much better than a breakup from a relationship that had been consummated. It was logical really, if I wanted love then I would wait for love rather than try and create love by having sex. Well things have not turned out to be as easy as I thought they would be. For starters, finding a guy in my preferred age group to buy into this vision has proved to be a challenge. I soon realised that even though many guys think celibacy is a noble idea not many want to subject themselves to such nobility. So a year later I had an incident and ‘fell of the wagon’. It was just once but the disappointment in myself was enormous. You would have thought I had participated in an orgy than a mere twenty minute tryst. I questioned my resolve and my ability to keep my own promises to myself. I also realised I had underestimated just how difficult it would be to sustain this decision. But something amazing also happened. I realised that I needed a more solid reason for remaining celibate going forward. So my decision started taking on a spiritual flavour. Instead of it being about self-preservation and being fed up with giving it up in vain, I started earnestly seeking to understand why God expects us to abstain until marriage in the first place. So I read and prayed and listened to sermons and started conversations whenever I could. I learnt about the true purpose for sex, the glue meant to bond a married couple together, the spiritual value it adds to a marriage and the dangers of ungodly soul ties. Deciding to not have sex before marriage actually helped restore my dying faith in love. It brought back the magic and softened the cynicism that was growing because of a calloused heart. I learnt that living with less disappointment from yet another failed relationship meant living with less resentment in my life. I have gotten to a place where I am ok with a guy walking away because he is not getting any sex. I understand if the guy is not where I am spiritually. I have learnt to rely on God to screen them out for me. If this man is to be my spiritual leader at home then he cannot start off by leading me away from the will of God. And the sex test, rightly or wrongly, has become a big indicator for me. Now before all the naysayers jump in, I am aware of how this can be manipulated which is why willingness to abstain is not the only criteria for who I will end up with. But it’s a good start. Here it has become tricky though. When do I raise the subject of sex with a new guy? How soon after the first date? How early is too early and when is it too late? Do I raise it as a ‘we need to talk’ topic or do I wait for a natural, casual opening for me to slip it in (pun so intended)? In the meantime how far do I go with him? Do we kiss or do we have the talk first? And how do I say to him I want to wait until I am married without sounding like I am giving him an ultimatum? Or that I am preaching? This really stresses me and is usually the first thing that comes to mind when I meet someone I may be interested in. Truth is, part of me is also resentful of the idea of having to always play gatekeeper to sexual advances or continually explain myself, let alone have to constantly remind someone that I have not changed my mind etc. Who would have thought it would be so complicated! What I am holding on to is the seemingly naïve idea that when I finally meet the man God intends for me then this conversation will be easy. I will not have to sell abstinence as the man will be the in a space in his own relationship with God where he gets it. Best case scenario is that, I will not even have to raise the topic as the significance of waiting will be obvious to both of us.