Single Woman Confession – Crucial Questions

Life is said to be a series of stages and transitional periods in between those stages. Take for example a new born baby, the baby starts off just lying on his or her back eating and sleeping. When the family feels that the child is ready then the transition from lying on the back to sitting up begins. This continues until the child is eventually walking. Each of these stages is preceded by transitional activities which usher the new achievement in a child’s life. I call these achievements because should a child not successfully make the next stage then the parents worry and start asking themselves questions or even consulting specialists. You see movement to the next stage is an assumed given with specific timelines so if the time passes and still not much transition to the next level has happened then there is cause for worry. So we go through life basically following the same pattern with timelines attached to each stage and the timing of these stages is somewhat predictable. The assumption is that these stages are progressive in nature so moving on also implies moving up and result in stress if one does not seem to be following the set pattern. This refers not only to physical growth but mental and emotional growth as well. When a child has breezed through school, through the turbulent teenage years and is academically on par if not ahead of peers then parents feel a sense of accomplishment. To encourage this smooth journey milestones are generally celebrated and publically acknowledged. So we have rituals such as graduation celebrations to acknowledge these achievements. Once one is no longer a child and has shown a level of responsibility then the assumption is that one is ready to get married and bring to life the next generation who will also follow the same pattern. To maintain the cycle and predictability of life it is assumed that this will happen. It used to be that this expectation for girls happened during their late teen years. The girl would be deemed ready to start a family and would get a husband to take care of her, taking over from the father. In some cultures a girl child’s education would not go beyond high school (if they were lucky enough to even go to school). It was the boy child who needed the education or a trade so that he can take care of his family once married. These days in many cultures things have changed somewhat and young ladies are encouraged to have a qualification as well. This means that the next stage in life, marriage, has been shifted out a bit. The girls may no longer expected to get married in their teens or even early twenties but they are expected to get married once they have completed their studies. This expectation is carried by the young ladies themselves as well, expecting that after getting their qualification they will find a good husband and settle down to raise a family. Some may delay this step by deciding to spend just a few years of independence first, working and taking care of themselves, before finding a husband and settling down. So it has become common to find women in their late twenties or even early thirties unmarried. Now here is where it becomes complicated, the family still has plans for their daughter to follow common conversion and get married sooner rather than later. So you find that once a young lady starts working and showing signs of independence then family starts wondering about the next step. So it is common to hear a young lady being asked ‘when are you getting married?’ by family and friends alike. There is always a sense of time consciousness and family is always eager to remind the young lady that she will not be ‘marketable’ forever. What the question ‘when are you getting married’ suggests is that marriage IS going to happen it is just a matter of time. It is rare for a young lady to be asked IF they actually want to get married as the assumption is that everyone wants to follow the same general life pattern. So the question is asked to remind one that the next stage (marriage) in life is now upon them. If after what is considered a long time the woman is not showing signs of settling down then the question asked at this stage becomes ‘why are you still not married?’ Concerned family members will want to know if there is a problem that perhaps the woman needs help with. It may be that the woman feels that there is a lack suitable partners in which case she may be accused of being too fussy. Older folk may feel it their place to advise a young woman against lofty ideals and that maybe what she is looking for is not realistic. They may even have suggestions on potential partners that the woman may have overlooked. So when those concerned ask why one is ‘still’ not married it is again a reminder that this should have happened by now and that the ability to take care of self should not preclude this next stage from happening. After a certain age the question becomes ‘why have you never married?’, based on the assumption that there is a time after which marriage is no longer an option. In many languages there are even terms used to describe one (usually a woman) who has ‘passed her sell by date. As you can imagine, not many single people like these questions. The worst though is when they stop asking you about getting married. That stings. As much as I hated those questions, I immediately noticed when they stopped coming and instead of being filled with joy and relief what I felt was sadness at the realisation that I’d been written off as a potential member of the marriage club. To add insult to injury my beloved uncle suggested that I should ‘rather have children’ because at this stage ‘no one would be disturbed’ and besides, since I had proved that I can take care of myself, ‘raising children alone should not be a problem’. And there I sat grinning (cringing inside), wishing someone would ask me the precious question… ‘so when are you getting married?’.