Hello Sexy (The Many Woes Of A Lonely Traveller)

I don’t think men realise how intimidating and scary they can be to a lone (or even few) women walking past them when they are in a group (even just two of them is enough to cause one to worry). As you approach them you are not sure whether to smile and greet (which may bring you some unwanted attention) or to ignore them and walk past (which may also bring you unwanted attention).

It is not that we don’t want to acknowledge or be acknowledged by men when we come across them, it is being sexually objectified that many of us would rather avoid. This can be as simple as them staring at you as you approach and obviously sizing you up or undressing you with their eyes. It can progress to being greeted seductively with winking or lip licking or being called intimate names such as ‘baby’ or ‘sweetie’ or ‘sexy’. The names used may even be somewhat innocent such as ‘nice’ or ‘sistas’ or ‘slender’ but the tone of voice and the facial expression could be very sexually suggestive. I’m not even talking about offers to accompany or requests for phone numbers or home address so that one can ‘check up on you later’. This is not restricted to strangers on the streets, we are not also safe in offices, shopping malls or even churches.

If you are carrying things there is the seemingly innocent (and sometimes insistent) offer to help carry whatever bags one has, which means you will have company whether you want or not, it will mean you need to entertain conversation and may mean he now thinks you owe him a phone number or worse, he now knows where you stay. Sometimes the men will completely ignore you but proceed to talk about you among themselves in a highly sexually charged manner, dissecting every part of your body, even to your hearing. When I jog I put on my earphones, wear a hat and put on sunglasses so that I do not look like I am free to chat but that hasn’t stopped many. I have had to endure offers to accompany me, comments on my body shape or on my level of fitness and stamina, offers to ‘get fit together’ or even offers of lifts by passing cars (yes, while clearly jogging!).

Even driving alone is not safe. Try signing in when entering a complex or office block and have the security guy peep through your window to check out your legs on the seat and you pray that your dress has not ridden up to expose your thighs while you were driving. Or he may start a conversation about where your ‘husband’ is and whether you don’t want one (or another one) because a ‘beautiful lady such as yourself should not be driving around alone’. The worst feeling is being stuck behind a truck that has men at the back. They may start with just a wave and you have to decide quickly whether you will wave back or just ignore them. Both responses will illicit further reactions. If you don’t wave back you may get insulted because you clearly think you are better. If you do wave back then the ‘complements’, the requests for phone numbers and address or kisses blown at you will follow.

So yes, approaching a group of men as a lone woman is daunting. There is always that risk that it could become ugly. It is like walking past a house with dogs that are behind a fence. The gate may be closed but there is always the risk that it may not be securely closed or that the dogs could overpower it. The fear of what could happen should that gate open makes one uneasy. Yes the dogs could just bark at you but they could also bite and harm you. If you can you’d rather change direction or cross the road but if you can’t you just pray that you walk past quickly and reach safety before they notice you.

Walking past a bunch of men presents that very same potential danger. There is always a chance that things could escalate from mere looks and comments to you being touched … to you being grabbed … to you being dragged to the nearest bush or car or house. This is what goes through many women’s minds as they approach or are approached by a group of men. I wish men really understood this.

I know I speak for a lot of women. It is so scary that we are constantly reviewing what our safe options are. I don’t jog on Mondays because that is the garbage colleting day. I also don’t run at certain times of the day and I avoid certain roads where there is an ongoing construction … it’s just safer that way. I try not drive with my windows open when alone and I often dread red traffic lights because they leave me exposed.

I have heard men defend this behaviour by saying it’s an innocent old cultural practice to show appreciation and that they’ve been taught that it’s rude to not acknowledge a woman passing by. They say that women will be offended if they are not acknowledged and so men are somehow ‘obliged’ to. Yet strangely the very same men don’t like it when the same attention being given to their sisters or mothers or wives or daughters.

The truth is I don’t know many women who actually appreciate that kind of sexualised attention. Maybe if men acknowledged us as sisters or mothers and just showed genuine regard for us as a fellow human beings then we would not mind. But currently, the way it plays out, that attention is merely for men’s entertainment or gratification and has nothing to do with them being civil to us as human beings.