Comparatively Speaking

One of the downsides of living in the city is the pressure to achieve and to ‘be’ someone. When we look at the lives of those around us we can’t help but feel the pressure (real or imagined) to do more or be more. We find ourselves constantly chasing what seems to be a moving target and whatever we are able to achieve does not seem to be enough. As a result we are constantly comparing our lives to those around us and struggling to ‘keep up with the Joneses (or the Motsepes)’. And there are plenty of things to compare; from the areas we live in, to the cars we drive, to the holidays we take and even the phones we own. It appears that we are constantly aware of what our neighbours have or are up to and the aspirational lives they live fill us with longing. I call this comparing UP, when we look at those who have more than what we have and realise how far we still need to go.

The pressure is unimaginable. People get into debt, they overwork themselves and relationships are affected as we hardly have time for those dear to us.

Fortunately people are finally looking into this and realising that the pressure we put on ourselves is unnecessary. Lifestyle diseases have increased. So we are hearing a lot about how we must not compare ourselves with others and rather be content with what we have. That we need to live our own lives and make the most of what life presents us. This sounds like great and wise advice as it helps us to not focus on what we think we are missing out on but rather focus on what we have.

On the other hand, we often find ourselves encouraged to look at those who have less than we do with the view of, once again, creating a sense of contentment with what we currently have. The logic is, if we see that there are people who have less than what we have then we will realise how much we really have and appreciate it and stop wanting more. You hear statements such as ‘be grateful for the one pair of shoes you have as some people have none’. I call this comparing DOWN. Regularly comparing down is encouraged, as it supposedly keeps one humble.

Here is what I am struggling with … why is it that you shouldn’t compare up but you must compare down? Meaning you can’t look at those who are doing better than you and be dissatisfied with your life but you must look at those doing worse than you and be content with where you are! So the problem is not in the comparison in itself but it is which direction you are comparing … the logic being comparing UP is bad but comparing DOWN is acceptable!

I believe comparing DOWN can be just as harmful. Firstly, comparing down can create complacency. If I am in a space where I should be satisfied with what I have then what motivation do I have to want to do more? If I am content with what I have, and there are people out there who have less than what I have, then why should I bother striving for more? Secondly, I believe comparing down can actually leave someone feeling worse instead of better. When you look around and see how bad life can be and how many people are struggling, it can be discouraging and make one feel hopeless instead of feeling satisfied with their own life. Thirdly, there is something wrong with the logic that for me to be satisfied with my own life I must compare it with those who are ‘less’ than me. You can’t force contentment by declaring that things could be worse. How does that make sense?

I think comparison, whether UP or DOWN, is unhealthy and should be discouraged. It is not an effective tool for creating contentment in life. I think comparing actually numbs contentment. Comparing with others makes human beings the standard, it assumes we should aim for and measure ourselves against what other people are doing.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with looking ‘UP’ and being inspired or looking ‘DOWN’ and empathising and helping people. But your contentment cannot be defined by either.

I believe that if you have to compare you must compare yourself with yourself. You must be able to look at your life and see how far you have come and how much you have accomplished. Where are you this year compared to where you were this time last year? Have you grown? Have you progressed in at least one aspect of your life? Have you achieved as much as you potentially can given your life circumstances? If you are honest with yourself you will know if you have made the most of your opportunities or not.

Your contentment should be based on satisfaction with looking at what you have honestly achieved and saying to yourself; ‘what I have and where I am is enough but does not define me and does not stop me from pushing myself to do more’.

Contentment should come from satisfaction with a life well lived.

Lastly, yes compete with yourself but remember you are also not the standard.