With All Due Respect

I recently observed an altercation between a grandparent and two adult grandchildren (both in their early 20s). Apparently something happened between the grandparent and grandchild 1 which did not go well with the grandparent so she called grandchild 2 to come and ‘see what your sibling is doing to me’. Grandchild 2 then, in the quest to be objective, asked to hear both sides of the story and then proceeded to point out not only the wrongness of grandchild 1 but also the contribution of the grandparent to the situation. This did not go well with the grandparent who, already feeling aggrieved by grandchild 1, now felt grandchild 2 was ‘further disrespecting’ her instead of calling the sibling to order. The grandparent’s position was that as the adult in the situation she definitely did not expect a ‘young one’ to point out her wrongs because young ones do not speak to grown ups ‘like that’. So, this issue moved from whatever the first issue was about to that of respect vs disrespect. It did not matter how much grandchild 2 tried to explain their position, the damage was already done, the grandparent was already offended and would not hear of it.

This was fascinating for me and got me thinking about how respect as a concept is not as clear cut as we might like to think it is. To me it was obvious that these young adults were not necessarily being malicious but it was perceived that way by the grandparent. The issue therefore was not their intention towards their grandparent. The issue was the differing perspectives on what respect is, due to something as fundamental as age difference. The broader question is … what is respect, how does it manifest and is there an objective right or wrong to how respect is approached?

The grandparent is clearly of a generation where respect goes along seniority lines, so if you are senior you are automatically respected in a manner your generation perceives respect. And for that generation respect may look something like … not being called to order or told off by a junior; always being listened to; always being in the right in the eyes of the junior; etc. This may manifest in a ‘don’t-argue, don’t-question, don’t-talk-back etc’ mindset and expectation.

The grandchildren evidently are of a generation which believes respect is earned and for them respect may look something like … when you are wrong you are wrong, irrespective of your age; being older or senior does not make one any less wrong; anyone can and has the right to point out that ‘here is where you are wrong’. And so for them respect may manifest in a ‘I-will-disagree-where-necessary; I-may-watch-my-tone-but-will-still-tell-you-where-you-are-wrong; I-will-talk-back-because-I-do-have-an-opinion’ mindset and expectation.

We see this dynamic all over institutions such as schools, workplaces, churches or even our communities. In many instances grownups of a certain generation tend to assume that, because of their age or because of their position, they automatically deserve respect. Meanwhile there are those of the younger generations who seem to feel if anyone is not acting in a way that they deem disrespectful then they don’t deserve respect.

This incident got me wondering about my own views on the subject. Do I believe that respect is earned or do I believe that it is automatically conferred based on age, seniority, authority etc?. To be honest I grappled with this one. Part of me sees the merit of both perspectives (yes I know, I’m taking the middle ground).

But in reality my actions tend to veer more towards the deferring to age side. To me there is something about seniority and authority that automatically warrants respect. There is something about seniority and authority which makes me default to respect. I admit that while this is definitely a reflection of many of us in my generation, it is also a reflection of the small town I grew up in, how I was parented and the influence of church on me. And this is how it has largely played out, whether at work, in the larger family and even at church … those seniors will automatically have my respect.

Now, they could act in what I perceive to be a disrespectful way and momentarily lose my respect in that occasion but will never even realise it, because of how I generally respond to them. They will still have my overall respect associated with their age or their seniority. An elder can do something that makes me question them but I tend to, out of respect for their seniority, not point it out and just keep quiet or walk away. And it does makes me uncomfortable when I see a senior ‘not being respected’ by a young person.

I’ll be the first to admit that this has not always served me well, which is why I’m grappling with the concept. I’m not saying I want to be disrespectful towards my elders, it’s just that some of them can make it hard for one to respect them. Still, the adage that ‘respect is earned’ is, for me, reserved more for my peers than my seniors.

To a certain extent I think I part of me does sometimes envy the younger generation for their belief that everyone needs to earn respect. I admire their default position that one is on neutral territory respect-wise until they’ve earned (or lost) it. And that the right to point out when one is in the wrong should not be a reflection of respect or lack thereof but rather a reflection of the merits of the situation.

And this is how I’ve tried to engage with peers and young people around me. I want them to respect me for how I carry myself, not just because of my age.

BUT if I’m being honest this approach has also not always served me well either. There have been many a time when the temptation to remind those junior to me of my seniority and the privileges that should come with it has been rather strong 😉