When I Grow Up

We are entering the second quarter of the year and the common theme among many people is just how quickly its all going. Time ( and life) seems to be flying by with many of us are trying desperately to keep up or catch up. The thing is it’s not just this year that’s flying by, it feels like one day one woke up and was middle aged. So I’ve been doing some introspection, and reminiscing, and reflection on how I got here.

I spent most of my youth and teen years wishing and dreaming of all the great things I would do when I eventually grew up. Yes I did the typical things like going to school and spend time with friends but I do think I was too serious as a child and did not fully embrace my childhood. When I look back at those years there’s a lack of playfulness. There is no sense of adventure or spontaneity. Everything was controlled and measured and if I admit, the overriding theme was about staying out of trouble and not upsetting the adults. But I was not too worried as I knew there would be plenty of time for enjoyment when I grew up.

I then spent most of my 20s and 30s anxious, angry and experiencing bouts of depression. There were lots of tears and when I looked at my life, from the many unpleasant childhood traumas and regrets to current young adult events, I saw plenty to cry about. I was anxious about the reality that I was not a child anymore and that no one was going to come rescue me. And the realisation that I was responsible for EVERY SINGLE aspect of my life and each decision that I made could have detrimental consequences. Plus I was a single parent. It was a lot to consider.

I spent the time trying to be perfect. I needed to be the perfect daughter, perfect sibling, perfect mother, perfect church member, perfect employee, perfect girlfriend, perfect friend … perfect, perfect, perfect. And it felt like I was failing dismally. So I cried. A lot! I just wanted for the issues to go away. I thought that if I got rid of the reasons for crying, then I would finally be happy but they just never went away, they were always nearby. It was heavy.

By the time I entered my 40s I was exhausted and sick and tired of all that crying. I also realised that not much was going to change, especially not the past, so I started accepting that issues will always be there. I slowly changed my focus and started praying for peace. Not for the issues to go, just for peace in spite of them. I wanted to not spend too much time regretting the past or stressing about the future. I can honestly say God honored that prayer. Not that I was suddenly stress free, I don’t think that ever completely goes away. Instead, over time, I developed an inner peace to see me through the turmoil. I learnt that it was easier to live through certain storms than to try stop or change them. And that the same applied to some relationships.

Now that I am approaching sunset of 40s, my prayers have shifted again. I am finally accepting that being grown up is not what I’ve always thought it was. While it is great to have peace, I realise that my life is still missing something. Peace is the absence of overwhelming stress but I need do something to fill that stress-void with. I don't just want lack of panic and anxiety. I want an active expression and experience of heightened pleasant emotions. I want to explore JOY.

I do not want to miss moments. I do not want to be so controlled and measured all the time. I want to not worry so much about getting into trouble or upsetting people. I want to regularly laugh until my stomach hurts. I want to eat delicious food often. I want to dance like I don't care, every chance I get. I want to sing out loud all the time. I want to see beautiful places and meet interesting people. I want to have adventures. I want to always smell good and look good. I want good joyous friendships.

WAIT! Why does it sound so much like those childhood dreams I had? Have I perhaps come to the point of reclaiming all the life that I put off when I was young? It sounds like I am finally allowing myself the freedom to be that child who had dreams and this time instead of putting the dreams on hold for later I am actually making room for them NOW.

Wow, does this mean I am finally growing up? Is it possible that being grown up is actually about being alive, in the moment, not worrying about the past and not stressing about the future (just like a child)?

I really want to explore that side of me more and I guess I am old enough to not only give myself permission but to also facilitate those moments.

My challenge to you is that you make your 2023 count, in all the ways that matter to the child in you.