Love Them Enough to Let Them Fall

A story is told of a young boy who found a cocoon in its beginning stages of cracking open. Knowing that a beautiful butterfly was to come out of the shell he decided to take the cocoon home. He loved this cocoon and took it with him everywhere he went, watching it diligently, not wanting to miss any stage of the process. He could not wait for a beautiful butterfly to emerge, he even had a name for it. After a couple of days he noticed that the crack had not widened much and decided to help the process by cracking the cocoon just a little bit more. Indeed this fast-tracked the process and the following day he found the cocoon wide open and a small butterfly lying in its ruins. Unfortunately the butterfly’s wings had not fully developed and so it was not able to fly. What the boy had done by helping it out of the cocoon had actually stunted its growth forever.

Why am I telling you this story?

Well, February is known as the month of love and what I have noticed lately is that people tend to think that love means being everything or doing everything for someone. People’s love seems to be measured by how much they do or do not do for others. This applies to romantic, platonic and familial relationships. There seems to be this perception that love is about unending sacrifices on behalf of the one who is loved. Now, such arrangements tend to be rather one sided. It’s usually a case of one doing most of the giving and the other being the beneficiary. It is rare to see people out-giving each other.

I can understand why a person being ‘loved’ that way may be happy with this arrangement. We are in an age of selfish consumerism and most of us are focused on what we can get, what we can benefit, what we can gain etc. But, what drives the ones giving to want to do or be everything to someone else?

That question may seem misplaced since we are generally encouraged to give. Even the Bible states that ‘it is more blessed to give than to receive’. But what if I told you there is a sinister side to this giving?

While the act of giving is noble the reasons behind it can be unhealthy.

1. Control

Some people want to be everything to those around them so that they can create dependency and control them. It is easy to control someone who needs you and it is easier to keep someone needing you when you are the sole provider to all their needs.

2. Perfectionism

Some people step in all the time because they are particular about how things need to be done and feel their way is the best way. They do not easily trust any other ideas that do not meet their standards and would rather be there all the time to ensure that everything is perfect.

3. Heroism

Some people love the idea of being known as helpful and have a need to be needed by those around them. They want to believe that things will not happen if they don’t step in to save the day. They believe they are the only ones who can help.

As you can see, the reasons for helping can be rather self-serving, meaning they are not necessarily about the one being helped but rather about the one helping. Many do it because they have their identity wrapped around the idea of always being there for others. They don’t know how to be around others if they are not rescuing or saving some situation. Their sense of self-worth is usually attached to their sense of usefulness. Deep down they believe people will not like them if they are not useful, perfect or in charge.

The truth is that being and doing everything for others is exhausting and unrealistic. Ultimately you will fail and disappoint yourself and those dependent on you. It is a deep hole that is difficult to climb out of and leads to unhealthy relationships. Eventually, when the giver gets tired it can lead to resentment.

So how does one recover from this need to be needed? As a recovering fix-aholic I can tell you now that it’s not easy but it is worth it.

You need to let go and accept that yours is not always the best way. That the seemingly less-than way may be exactly what the situation requires.

You need to learn to let go and allow for things to not be perfect. Allow things to be crooked. Allow for the cracks to show. Allow things to fall apart. Allow situations to not be clear for a while.

You need to learn to let go and allow for people around you to struggle. Trust that the struggle will build them rather that destroy them. Remind yourself that if you crack the cocoon you hamper the growth of the butterfly. A child who never falls never learns to walk and a child who never plays with dirt does not build a strong immune system. Everyone has their own journey and yours is not to intervene but to rather be there with them. You cannot protect everyone from trials and neither should you.

Let it go, let it be. Allow the process to take its course. Life always finds a way to correct things. Learn to trust that some situations s are meant for others to sort out , not you. You are not the only one with an ability to help.

Learn to love people enough to let them fall.