One Plus One Equals ?

As a student I was very good at maths and science. I could learn, understand and correctly apply any given formula. Once the teacher showed me how to do it and I played around with it a bit I could confidently tackle any maths problem because I knew that the formula would not lie. And the formulas never lied. If I got the sum wrong it would be because I had missed a step, miscalculated or misapplied a formula. It was never the formula that was wrong.

So I grew up thinking life also works like that. That once you learn and understand the formula you can apply it to any given problem and the solution will come. And boy did I learn the formulas. Everywhere I’ve gone I have tried to understand the formula so that I can apply it. And if things did not work out well I would be upset with myself because it meant I did not understand or apply the formula properly. So my solution has always been to go back to the formula, to try understand it better. Yet I find myself confused half the time … life just doesn’t seem to follow the formulas that I have learnt.

I realise that because I am so analytical I expect life to follow certain patterns. I sometimes feel like I’m living in my own bubble, with its own rules and patterns and don’t know how to integrate the world I am actually occupying. Sadly I think I’ve spent most of my adult life disappointed with myself because I don’t seem to be cracking these adult formulas. Or I’ve walked around confused because even when I have been sure I have cracked the formula the application has still not always lead me to the correct solution.

Nature works with rhythms and cycles and patterns, that’s the formula. Summer always comes after Spring, the sun always rises in the East etc. And yet life has shown me over and over that it does not work that way.

You cannot behave yourself into heaven! You cannot love someone into loving you back! You cannot love someone into loving themselves! Blood is not always thicker than water! Hard work does not always pay! Waiting until you are married does not ensure a happily ever after! You cannot make anyone do anything they don’t want to do, even if it’s for their own good! Sometimes the good you do will be the very thing that attracts the pain you experience! Love does not conquer all! Church is not family!

Those are just a few of the formulas I thought I had cracked(I’m sure you have a list too). They have not worked. I can’t think of one formula I have applied successfully and sustained long term. And yet my default is to just apply more formulas. I still get surprised, and even hurt, when I feel that a formula I have diligently applied is not working.

So here I am, in my middle age, having to admit to myself that my maths and science classes did not prepare me to handle life’s problems. That my academic training has been irrelevant to my life experience. So why don’t I just get rid of the formulas then? If they have proven over and over to not work, why am I still holding on to them?

Because the alternative is scary!

Firstly, I know I am scared of the vacuum the formulas will leave if I get rid of them and I know I will want to fill the vacuum with something. Secondly I know I am scared of letting go of the control I think I have and leave things to chance. I want guarantees … formulas promise me guarantees. Even though I am learning that there are no guarantees in life, I still want them.

So what must I do now? Now that I know that the formulas don’t work, how do I proceed? How do I let go of them? Or is that another formula question? Do I even know the extent of the formulas I am holding on to? Maybe that is my starting point, to try and catch myself when I am being formulaic. To watch myself closely and every time I am trying to anticipate outcomes to know that I am relying on a formula. To try and identify the formulas one by one so that I can dismantle them and maybe before long I will have gotten rid of my disruptive formulas. Only that sounds too much like a formula itself!

But, as someone who needs formulas, maybe expecting to get rid of them is too much of a stretch. I do believe that our lives also resemble nature in that there are healthy formulas that we can apply, we just need to find them.

I guess as a Christian I could try to make God my formula instead. In that way I will have no vacuum, all my formulas will be replaced and I will still have something to hold on to. And just as a starting point my formula could be something as simple as … TRUST GOD IN EVERYTHING. That’s it, that sounds like good formula to start with.