Dear New-Woman-In-His-Life (NWIHL)

We have just celebrated Father’s day and this is usually a reflective time when people think back on their own experiences with their fathers hopefully with gladness but sometimes with sadness. Those with children also find themselves reflecting on their own children’s experiences, hopefully with gladness but sometimes with sadness. Instead of addressing the fathers this time I would like to direct my attention rather to the new woman in the life of a man with an ex and children. There is a term that is usually favoured by the NWIHL and her friends used for the Mother-Of-His –Children (MOHC) which both annoys and saddens me. It is a term that usually carries many negative and derogatory connotations about MOHC. This term is ‘babymama’. When the NWIHL refers to his ex as the babymama it is not usually a term of endearment. The assumption is usually that if there is a babymama then there is bound to be drama. I have heard of women who will reject a man who has children because they don’t want no babymama drama before they have even met the MOHC or the children.

You see babymamas are depicted as crazy exes who are bitter, resent that the man is moving on and are determined to make his life hell and ruin it (and any new relationships) by using his children to hurt him. Babymamas are depicted as women who make unreasonable and unrealistic financial demands to finance their own lifestyles. Babymamas are depicted as these women who manipulate the fathers by withdrawing access to the child. Babymamas are even seen as women who tried to trap the man by falling pregnant. So I resent this term because of the script that it carries. This automatic assumption that the MOHC is a babymama with drama is unfair and thoroughly annoying. Now, yes there are crazy exes who are guilty of the behaviour described above. Yes there are! But those are the exceptions and not the majority of us.

Most of us MOHCs are sane hardworking women who take parenting seriously and want what is best for our children both materially and emotionally. Unless you were part of the history or have been in his life long enough to have witnessed consistent unreasonable unwarranted behaviour which renders your man a total victim to MOHC, then babygirl you are in no position judge and label. You can’t drop into the middle of an ongoing situation with your defences already up because you think you know what’s going on because of a few stories you have heard about babymamas. You can’t go into a relationship already assuming that the MOHC is guilty of babymama drama. This will cloud how you relate with her and her children should, you last long enough in the relationship to be deemed worthy of such an interaction.

What really saddens me about this is that, once more, we women are pitted against each other unnecessarily, further dividing the already fragile sisterhood. The only beneficiary in such triangles is the man. And it may suit him to portray the MOHC as the babymama, it gains him sympathy. NWIHL let me give you some advice. If he talks badly about MOHC that should raise an alarm for you. A real man will honour and protect his children by honouring and protecting their mother. If she is really dramatic and unreasonable you will soon find out, do not pre-empt it, let it play out naturally. Any man who has to paint himself as a victim of MOHC to get attention, should worry you. If he has to actively get you on his side by badmouthing her then pause and consider that maybe he is the problem because the truth is you should all be on the same side. Any man who needs to be reminded to do his part for his children should scare you. If he has to be taken to court for financial support ; if MOHC has to run after him because the money did not come in on time or in the full agreed upon amount ; if he has to be nagged into spending time with his children …ask yourself, is this the kind of man you want to get into a relationship with. (And unless you are his accountant you really have no clue whether he diligently financially supports his children as he claims he does.) I would think carefully about what assumptions I make here because truth is, baby girl what you are looking at is you in the future.

Dear NWIHL stop assuming you are the upgrade and that the ex is a bitter jilted babymama and see your man for what he is … a man with a pre-existing, complex situation. If you realise you can’t handle it then don’t go into it. If you decide to get involved then take your time and know what you are getting yourself into. If there is drama then ask yourself what his contribution has been. What you want is a man of integrity. You want a man who will see it as his duty to facilitate a good relationship between MOHC and NWIHL. Do not get so caught up in the euphoria of a new relationship that you excuse and mansplain (explain from the man’s point of view) unacceptable behaviour by your man toward MOHC.

And actually, up until the point where you become his wife … you really have no say in the situation.