To All The Strong Ones

Many people carry labels which they have had since childhood. These are usually in the form of nicknames we are given but for the most part these are evident in the way people treat us. Once you have a label it is often hard to shake it off, so we need to take care in labelling each other as labels create boxes for people. One way you can know if you have labelled someone is when you start saying things like ‘it’s not like so-and-so to do or say such and such…’, what you mean is that the observed action does not fit into the label, and therefore the box, you have created for that person. I have come to realise is that there are no purely positive or purely negative labels. Each label has got both positive and negative aspects. For example, being labelled as the black sheep of the family may seem negative because people do not expect much from you. But actually your freedom could come from the fact that people do not expect much from you. Your failures are tolerated because they were expected. Your successes are over-celebrated because they were never expected in the first place. You can’t really disappoint people who are already poised for disappointment from you. You can live up to their expectations of you or even better, you can pleasantly surprise them.

I carry a label which is seemingly positive. It’s a label I was given and accepted way before I even figured out who I was. It is a label I have benefited from. It is also a label that has weighed me down tremendously. I am apparently strong. I say apparently because I don’t really know if I am strong but I seem to have convinced many that I am so I must pull it off really well. It appears that people like strong people. Apparently strong people are good to have around because they are responsible and self-sufficient. No one has to worry about a strong person. So being the ‘strong’ one must be a welcome label … right? You would think so but to be honest I have come to realise that I actually do not like being ‘the strong one’.

My challenge is the expected self-sufficiency that comes with the label, that is where the problem lies … no one worries about you; they have no reason to, you are strong. As a strong person you can never really be ‘unstrong’, no one expects that from you. It has to be a catastrophic, hurricane moment for you to be allowed or to even allow yourself to be ‘unstrong’. The world must be falling apart for you to get some of the ‘unstrong’ people attention, otherwise you are expected to self soothe. Strong people seemingly autocorrect themselves back to being strong, because you see, strong people can take care of themselves, that’s what makes them strong. So no one will bring chicken soup and casseroles to a strong person’s home, you are never expected to be down for that long. The worst part about being strong must be the loneliness. You attract and are mostly attracted to people who are drawn to your ‘strength’. You feel needed and useful when others can rely on your strength. But to sustain the relationship you need to play your part. So you stay strong, both for yourself and for others.

I blame myself and my fellow ‘strong’ ones. You see this is a ‘nice’ label to have so we work hard to keep it. We work hard at sustaining it because we have not yet learnt to be something else. Being strong is our identity. No ‘strong’ person wants to be seen to be weak. What we don’t seem to realise is that the opposite of strong is not weak, it is ‘human’. So we get stuck with this label that suffocates us. We drown in our own co-creation. We wear the label even if it kills us (which it usually does). I have come to cringe every time someone admires me for how ‘strong’ I am. It means one more person I cannot be ‘unstrong’ with. I don’t want the label anymore. I want to be free of the label. I want to be free to explore and express all aspects of me even those which seem ‘unstrong’. I long for the leeway and compassion ‘unstrong’ people get. I long for the attention and the continued reassurance that seems to be their right. I envy the many second chances ‘unstrong’ people get and the easy acceptance they get as they are recognised as mere human beings who can and often do have need others.

Oh how I wish I was strong enough to be unstrong !