Cheers to Kindness

As a result of the legend of valentine February is generally associated with positive emotions. Lately this has moved away from a purely romantic focus to broad positive expressions in any relationship.

I like that. I think the world needs more positive emotions and that we should be more deliberate about spreading them. Take for example, kindness. It looks like we have forgotten or neglected how to be kind to one another. The world definitely needs more kindness.

But what is kindness? Unfortunately, it is one of those concepts that is difficult to explain yet is easy to identify. We know when it is there, when someone is being kind. We also know when it is not there, when someone is not being kind.

The term ‘kindness’ is an umbrella term for a number of positive emotions and resulting actions. It is not just about the emotions but also about the actions which reflect those emotions. I don’t believe kindness is complete without a kind word or action to accompany the kind feelings. The evidence of any kind emotions is in the words and actions that follow. I will know you are being kind based on your actions, not just your feelings, even though the feelings are what inspires the actions. When one is being kind, they are compelled to act, to express that kindness. True kindness therefore cannot be hidden and it cannot be only in theory.

The definitions that comes close to what I understand kindness to be is : ‘ the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate’.

Why kindness?

Kindness is the most selfless expression we can show one another. It says to the other person that they are seen and that their needs and their feelings are acknowledged. Kindness shows the other person that they are not alone, that there is someone who cares and is interested in their well being. It makes them feel good about themselves.

Kindness is deliberate and works best when it is not an event but a lifestyle. Yes, situations will give one opportunity to be kind, so we talk of acts of kindness. But if you are not already a kind person in your heart you may miss or not recognise the need for kindness in the moment. One has to purpose, before any incident, that they want to treat people with kindness.

Kindness softens people. It chips away at and eventually breaks down walls which may have been put up as barriers. It is difficult to remain hardened in the face of continued kindness. A person who is consistently experiencing kindness will eventually change.

Kindness is contagious and fosters positive relationships. People experiencing kindness tend to want to respond with the same. We want to be friendly and generous and considerate to people who are showing us the same. And we end up wanting to do the same for other people as well.

Kindness requires that one is kind to everyone they encounter. It is difficult to be a kind person if your kindness is selective. Genuine kindness does not discriminate.

Kindness begets kindness. You will only grow your kindness muscle by being more kind. The more kindness you show the kinder you become. And so, if you are wondering how you can become a kind person, you just need to start.

Kindness benefits the kind person as well. It feels good to do good for another person, especially from an open altruistic place. When one has made another person feel good or at least feel better about their situation, the brain releases feel good hormones for the person being kind to also feel good about that moment. And so kindness is its own reward.

Can kindness be wrong?

I don’t think genuine kindness can be wrong but I do believe there can be a dark side to some form or some acts of kindness. Kindness can be faked, meaning that actions and words can be faked. There are people who can act kind but the actions are not based on an honest foundation of kindness.

When an act of kindness is coming from a selfish place then it is not kindness, it just looks like it. When kindness is used as an investment, such that the person receiving it is indebted to you, then it is not kindness, it just looks like it. When acts of kindness are tracked and held up as a flag for everyone to see and people are reminded of them periodically, then it is not kindness, it just looks like it. When an act of kindness is being forced or imposed on people, whether they want it or not, then it is not kindness it just looks like it. When acts of kindness leave people feeling worse about themselves or their situation, then it is not kindness, it just looks like it.

Now, can kindness be taken advantage of?

Yes definitely. There are people who see kindness of others as a weakness and prey on the kindness. (And many people have, in return, used this as an excuse to not be kind.) While kindness does not discriminate it does need to exercise judgement. Kindness does not mean you give everyone everything they want of you. It simply means you view each person and their situation with friendliness, generosity and consideration and then act accordingly. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to say NO. So, while one needs to be kind always, they also need to be smart about it.

I think the best way to stop your kindness being taken advantage of is by practicing the kindness towards yourself as well. If your kindness is being abused then be kind enough to yourself to extend yourself some grace and walk away. Sometimes walking away from a situation is the best act of kindness you can give, both to the other person and to yourself.

This year I am purposing in my heart to be more kind. This means I will strive to be more friendly, more generous and more considerate.

And, most importantly, I will make sure that I also sit at the foot of my own kindness.