Help that Costs

The current pandemic has left many people destitute. It has created more havoc for those who had already been in need and has increased the number of the needy. Even people who were somehow coping now find themselves needing just the basics. What that has done is to increase the need for more humanitarian support, not just from those who are wealthy or from institutions but actually from the average person on the street who is finding themselves having to share the little that they have just to support a neighbour.

This is admirable, in that it has brought back a renewed focus on humanity. When seemingly overnight the things were taken away the value of people was highlighted. We are realising that what is really important in life is not things but rather people. This sounds really good but there can be a downside to all this helping as well.

The downside when looking at those being helped is that it can encourage a handout culture and create dependence. During the tight lockdown the government introduced a special grant and we saw scenes of long queues of people outside Social Services offices waiting just for the little which the government has promised. We also saw fully abled people who are not necessarily so needy taking advantage of such programmes. Unfortunately, not all this giving / help leaves those being helped feeling good about themselves. A culture of handouts robs those being helped of their dignity in that it leaves them continually dependant on those helping. It does not build independence but rather a continued need.

Some of the things people are being ‘helped’ with can also be unsuitable but because ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ they will just grin and bear it. Some helpers will give of their worst. I have been involved in drives where we collect clothes and people bring old unusable even dirty clothes all in the name of giving to the poor. Or bring food which even they would not touch but because people are needy they are expected to just keep quite and be eternally grateful. There is something about being needy that makes people assume you must not have choices and just take what is being given.

What is even worse is the resulting hero worship of those helping. This culture of handouts creates idols. The helper is esteemed and cannot be challenged or upset in some way as they control the resources. Instead of bringing unity the culture of handouts may even create hierarchies, with the helper being at the top of the chain dictating how those in need must behave, how they must use what they are given and even generally how they must live their lives. There is something about being in need that makes people assumes that one is not capable of running their life and decisions must be made for them.

Some of this giving is done to feed the egos of those doing the giving. We have seen some of those helping bragging about all the ‘good work’ they do. Some people help in that it gives them some form of control and some status.

So how do you know if your help is not hurting or too costly for those you are helping? How do you know if your helping is more about you than those you are helping? As someone who wants to help you need to ask yourself some questions, such as:

- What makes you feel good about giving? Is it the giving itself or being known or appreciated as a giver?

- What if they don’t come back and say thank you? Will that affect further giving by you?

- Do you remember exactly everyone you helped, how, when etc?

- Do you find that you have certain expectations (their behaviour, their choices) of the people you help?

- Do you remind people of the things you have done for them?

- Do you tell others (in conversations or on social media) about the help you give?

- Do you believe you must be better off than them in order to be able to help them?

- Do you believe you are the only person who can help those particular people?

- Do you think those you help would not survive without your help?

Please realise that your help may be hurting others instead. It is good to do good, but we ruin the good we are do when we have expectations or demand accolades in return. So please help but in your helping remember to leave those you have helped with their dignity intact.

Instead of giving a HANDOUT why not try giving a HAND UP next time.