For the Love of Love

One of the worst things about being a senior single is how ‘everyone’ seems to believe they have a fix for you and a right to express it. They go about this by either trying to fix you up with some ‘suitable’ (meaning single) person or with plenty of advice on how to be a happy single. It’s amazing how ‘everyone’ seems to think they have a right to comment. Being unmarried is such a public state that people obviously believe it is meant for public scrutiny. So they will talk, suggest, advise, admonish, gossip etc. I have been advised to drop my standards, that I clearly have unrealistic expectations. This begs the question, does this mean married people got married because of their low expectations. Since you tend to be seen as bitter or defensive when you challenge I have learnt to keep quiet or even agree. No one wants to be seen as the ‘typical’ angry spinster. What do you say when you get asked ‘why’ you want to get married? There is a school of thought that says for as long as you want it for the ‘wrong’ reasons then it will never happen. Problem is, I don’t know what the ‘right’ reasons are. I know what my reasons are but obviously they must be ‘wrong’ since it still has not happened. The problem is that no one can tell me what the right answer to that question is, apparently it is too individual… go figure! Telling me it’s because I’m too intelligent and thus intimidating actually confuses me. What about those who claim that God must be teaching us singles something and that one will not marry until you get the lesson. Only no one can give you crib notes because, apparently the test is also individualised. So I am failing a test I am not aware of, whose curriculum I have no idea of, go figure! I have been accused of over-romanticizing marriage, that I am an idealist. Which may be true since I have no practical experience of marriage. But I would like to believe that I am old enough to know that life is , and people are, far from perfect. I may not have in-laws but I think I have enough relatives to have an idea of how difficult relations can be. This infantilisation of one because I have never been married is actually insulting. Imagine if I went around telling people with no children how they are over-romanticizing parenting and overlooking the nappy changes and the cracked nipples! Besides pointing out all the bad things that could and do go wrong in marriages does not make me want it less. Many married people are quick to point out how we don’t realise and appreciate how ‘better off’ singles are for our freedom whilst they are ‘enduring’ their ball and chain. Sorry, I don’t see having the bed to myself as a blessing. No, I don’t feel better off because I don’t ‘have to’ cook every day or I don’t ‘have to’ report to anyone. I definitely don’t feel lucky because I don’t have to ‘endure’ sex on demand. And the list goes on… I don’t think it’s my unbelief that is a problem also. I also don’t think it is my negative self-talk that has blocked potential partners. I don’t think it’s because I have not prayed or fasted enough. It’s pointless telling me that I am being blessed with more time to serve God as I truly believe I can do both. Yes I know there are many of us but I don’t see how that is meant to be a consolation. We don’t encourage sick people by telling them there are many more of them around. Oh and no I don’t think it’s my sense of ‘incompleteness’ that needs to be sorted, I happen to feel very complete in myself. I believe in myself, I am confident and fulfilled. I don’t believe something in me is lacking. I just want a companion. I also know I have a lot to be grateful for, so it’s not my lack of gratitude that is the problem. I know there is a lot I can do to distract myself. I am actually very busy, there is a lot to do. It is not a distraction. So no I don’t want to travel alone. I don’t need another hobby or pet. And no, having a child does not negate the need for a companion. No, I am not being weak. I am not being anti-feminist or anti-independent or unambitious. Actually why am I even explaining myself, it’s really very simple…I just want a companion.